Nineteen year-old Spectra16 announced yesterday from the Oval Office that she does not hang out in one particular fandom like she used to. It's difficult to recover from three year of straight Artemis Fowl fiction. And even though she enjoys Phantom of the Opera, she doesn't want to deal with what the locals call "Phandom." She also exclaimed that her current favorite song is “You Can't Always Get What You Want” and then proceeded to flip her new fake blonde hair. Each hair follicle cried out in retaliation.
“I think Spectra is a fool for dyeing her hair. I’ve known cats to make better decisions than this . . . On accident,” said a hair an inch from Spectra’s left ear and behind several more.
“It’s hard to concentrate on my foreign policy when my hair follicle polls are suffering so. I think my approval rating is 32, which consists of all the hairs at the back of my neck, who don’t know what’s going on anyway,” Spectra16 stated.
Approval ratings aside, Spectra16’s friend and Secretary of State TzatzikiBakonz reported that the country, on a terrorism scale of one to fuschia, is at green. She warned the public that the triangles are revolting, and that it would be smart to wear something square.
When asked about her future aspirations, Spectra16 smiled.
“I want to be a sick mixture of James Joyce and an angry, liberal journalist someday.” Almost every literature major at Yale rolled their eyes at the comment.
Spectra16 lives on a small lake in Wisconsin and loves talking about herself in the third person. Her heroes are Anderson Cooper (handsome, informed, funny. . . Rich--everything she looks for in a man), Danny Kaye (if you know who this is, you probably agree), Nikola Tesla (he invented Thomas Edison so that he wouldn‘t have to work so hard), Annie Oakley (there will never be enough people to prove that any form of the name Anna kicks ass), James Joyce (who I mentioned earlier), Kurt Vonnegut ("The horse jumps over the FUCKING fence!!") and Rufus Wainwright (he makes a corner look straight).
As a child, Spectra dabbled in the occuluments of a Ouija board named Tecompseh and the Prophet, who act more like a horoscope. Tecompseh and the Prophet told her what kind of person she'd be in the future.
"Well, considering you be too stupid to realize you should be greatly dissapointed with the hand God played you, you're gonna have a blast! You are the epiphany of the phrase "Ignorance is Bliss", which Oscar Wilde wrote knowing you'd come into this world in 1989. You're going to be someone who wants nothing more than to prove her abilities, so you fantasize about Mothra attacking and people underestimating your ability to shoot lazers through your eyes. You also will be pleased with the little things in life and irrationally grateful for "trials." You will wear contacts because you will read in dim light prior to 1st grade. You will be quirky and therefore, unpopular in middle school. During this time, you will have the worst day of your life, in which your bunny rabbit gets eaten by a stray dog and you almost drown in a 4 ft. deep pool. You will not read Harry Potter until sophomore year because you're a stubborn bitch. When you finally get off your lazy ass and get your license, you take a road trip via 1967 motorcycle across the country in order to occupy your easily bored mind. You meet the man of your dreams in a small town outside of New York--a blond man with blue eyes who does anti-Neo Nazis recon for the FBI. He has a sensitive side and writes really lame poetry that you lie to him about your opinions in order to make him feel better. He's rich and quirky and loves mild bondage. He doesn't care that you're ugly because you remind him of his mother. You have way too much in common. You have no children. Ever. You might adopt a cute little Asian girl, but that's it. He gets you involved in anti-internet predator recon, which is the job of your dreams. You live happily ever after until you form a sort of contagious narcolepsy and fall asleep while tobogganing. You die instantly, only killing the world's most hated fascist in the process, injuring no one."
During her teen adolescence, Spectra16 didn’t work very hard. She was a shelver at the local library and babysat one child and ONLY one child. She refused to babysit anyone else. Although extremely apt to change, Spectra avoided it at very high costs. Like every other teenage drone, she kept a blog on Xanga and an account on Deviant Art, which both can still be accessed easily through the interwubs when you search her same penname for factory fudge nuts (ff.net).
As the president of the United States of Awesome, it is customary to admit her poor choices in the past, because hiding it never worked for ANYONE. Had Clinton admitted he smoked outrageous amounts of weed and cheated on his wife, America would've shrugged and went on with their daily lives. Even Nixon had his share of secrets, which in turn GOT HIS ASS FIRED.
"In first grade, a friend and I pulled down some poor shit's pants in front of everyone on the playground," Spectra16 reminisces. After that happenstance, Spectra16 bit into the fruit of evil and realized that once you get past the skin, tastes damn good.
Obscure things that she loves and has interest in are gospel choirs, Burger King, alliteration, Felix Yusupov, Bohemian decor and clothes, hacker history, farmer's markets and world fairs, Charlie and Lola, The 5th Dimension, spices, making collages, Che Guevara, and Russian reversal, double reversal, and Irish front versal.
Spectra16 also expressed her pure hatred for those people who bitch about mainstream. She made several lewd statements and ended with “Shove a tampon in it!” She also wanted the American public to know that they were misled. She’s not Republican. She’s Communist. She then proceeded to go through every Russian reversal joke ever created. On that note, Spectra digressed into talking about Uncyclopedia, and her love for it. She said she’s learned more things from Uncyclopedia in two weeks than from being in school for 14 years. She learned that Oscar Wilde is the last living homo erectus, Snape kills Dumbledore, Chuck Norris is Vin Deisel’s fifth cousin, and that the band Journey consists of Spartacus, Jesus, Chuck Norris, Machamp, and some other guy that eludes me at the moment, even though I wrote it.
If anyone's wondering why Spectra16 is so fucked up (for lack of a better term), you can blame her father, who figured spraying Raid all over her room that has no ventilation wouldn't kill brain cells. He also passed on hereditary sleep apnea, which coupled with self-proclaimed insomnia, is one big bag of fun. She self-medicates with shoppping, getting totally inebriated, gambling, and eating candy.
She also has talent at garage sales. You might say, "You can't have talent at garage sales! You can have talent in finding things in garage sales." That's true and not true at the same time. Spectra16 has many completely useless talents that make her somewhat All Powerful. She can find utterly amazing things in shitty garage sales. Under her belt are an Official Alcoholics Anonymous book, an anti-Joseph McCarthy pin, super shampoo, an American army trenchcoat, and a chess set made by a WWII vet who carved the pieces while in a concentration camp. She also has an ungodly talent (or magical power) that allows her to open a romance novel and immediately find the smut. (Again, it's useless, but great at parties.)
Although her talents are fair, her flaws outweigh them greatly. She is an avid gambler, who throws away money for sport. She is making $100 bets on what will happen in the next Harry Potter book, the Deathly Hallows. She also cannot endurance run for shit. She cannot play any sort of instrument or sing. She is also helplessly retarded without a beta reader. She doesn't play sports, but definitely could. She's been in her local fencing club for three years, going on four this autumn, but hasn't gotten any better since day one. She has next to no movitation to do anything.
"One time, I dropped my homework folder in the hallway, and I didn't pick it up because I didn't care," Spectra16 laughs.
If her lifelong dream of becoming an author/movie producer gets scrapped, she wants desperately to become a teacher. A history teacher to be exact. She knows a lot about American history, and plans to take a hardcore European history course next year. She knows for a fact that Alexander Hamilon slept with EVERYONE, Andrew Jackson killed cats with his bare hands, Hitler wore khakis, and that if Justin Timberlake is to sexy, Eli Whitney is to slavery. She also likes to write scripts for all sorts of things, like music videos, musicals, and movies.
Spectra16 really doesn't do anything except govern the country The United States of Awesome. In her spare time, she writes like an insomniac maniac on sixteen pixie sticks. She is also NOT totally bonkers for boys, drugs, or gardening. She is, however, crazy for being inebriated, porn, and her cat Missy. Missy is a calico genius who doesn't take shit from anybody. Missy is of the opinion that energy bars taste like chewable chalk.